Some technical advice

Be friends after a breakup.

If you need space, you need space. If you need a lot of space, you need a lot of space. Do what is healthy for you, and for the other person. But don't become enemies after a breakup. I mean, you two used to like each other, right? There's something there worth being friends for.

If you cannot be friendly or need a permanent break, then by all means, be healthy and do what's best. But don't be enemies.

Why this technical advice? Because no one likes the fallout of a bad breakup. This includes everyone around you. No one wants to hear for the umpteenth time the list of bad qualities that made you break the relationship off. No one wants to hear how you've been done wrong, over and over again. It's not a war to turn people against each other. It's just a relationship that didn't work out, and now you both know better what you want in another person, and now you can go find that in someone else.

A friend of mine used to talk to anyone who would listen about how terrible her ex was, and how he was still being terrible. When she stopped talking about it, her life improved vastly, in most respects. She was still lonely and hurt, but her friendships were strengthened, as was her self-esteem, and she was able to heal as she needed.

Be friends.


Tell me what you think in the comments section. Do you agree? Disagree? What can you do to maintain a friendship with an ex?

A Call For Guest Writers

My dear friend Stephanie wrote to me:

"I tried to read your 'LDS singles' blog and I'm confused... Is there one, or three, or is it all a tricky mind game? If there are multiplies, why sir, why? You may say keep it separate for content, I say no, merge and categorize. Cheers!"

Thanks for the suggestion. We here at LDS Young Single Adults have taken it into full consideration and duly rejected it.

I thought that'd be a good way to start a post about asking for guest columnists.

Anyway, this is a call for new writers. Let's make this a community, and get different points of view on here. Write in about a certain challenge you faced and overcame, or an aspect of single LDS life that needs touching on. I'll take your submissions at tomwright@moonlightcrew.com.

Also, I'd love submissions to the date sites: Awesome Dates and Awful Dates.

Can't wait to hear from you!

A Date List

In my research poll, to the right, a lot of people have responded about their challenges: lack of time, members with different standards, etc. Someone please write in a guest article on something like this, because I'm on a dating kick.

Here's a list of dates that I started last post. Not a comprehensive list, but a nice one:

1) The Book Store Date
Already mentioned in the previous post, this date is clutch. Find out the interests of your date, and in a great environment, too. Read more about it from the original Book Store Dater here.

2) The Park Date
The Park Date is great because there's so much to do, and it's multi-seasonal. If there's a lake or pond nearby, you can feed the fish and ducks, and there's usually squirrels to feed. In the summer, you can throw a frisbee, in the winter, you can make snowmen. If you just want to go for a walk, it's perfect, and if you want to eat, set up a picnic.

3) The Classic
Go out to dinner. If you have chemistry, you should know it. If you don't, at least there's food, right? Really though, you can get a lot out of this. Can you even keep up a conversation with this person for the length of a meal? If you want to be extra analytical, you can see how they treat the wait staff or check out their table manners, but the real value here is the conversation.

4) Cooking
Katie, the Brit downstairs, suggested this one, and it's been a hit for me before. Grab a recipe or two, fill up on some ingredients, and enjoy making a meal together (and the consumption thereof). The downside is that this is more of a "staying in" date than a "going out" date, but there are sometimes benefits to that too.

5) Star Gazing
Sarah, the Brit downstairs, suggested this one, and I've heard of this being a hit before. In fact, I think my old roommate asked his wife to marry him while they were star gazing, but I'm not sure. This sounds like it could be a fun date, so somebody write in and tell me if it is.

So, not a comprehensive list, but this should help out for at least a month, I'd say. Have fun!


Have another idea for a good date? Tell us in the comment section.

The Three Ps

After being out of town, and then in the hospital for several days for surgery, I'm back! To celebrate, I'm launching two new blogs, Awesome Dates and Awful Dates. Be sure to e-mail submissions for both to tomwright@moonlightcrew.com.

Speaking of dates, isn't it about time we went on some more? I already wrote about confidence, and that's part of the first step: Asking someone out. This is so much easier than you may think. I mean, it's really easy. Elder Oaks talked about it in his famous "Dating vs. Hanging Out" talk, and he said to just pick up the phone and make the call. And it really is that easy. What makes us think it's hard sometimes is that we're afraid of rejection. Honestly, the worst thing that can happen is that the person we ask out will say "No", and so what if they do? (Actually, there's a lot of worse things that can happen, but the chances of someone moving away because you asked them out are pretty nil. They probably won't try to murder you in your sleep, either). There are a million fish in the sea.

I don't really know how it works for girls, so I'll just link to a site that is written by a single sister, but for guys, there it is.

Also outlined in Elder Oaks' talk, the three Ps of dating: Paired off, Paid for, and Planned.

Paired Off: Oh man, one of my friends went on a date, and in the middle of it the girl called up a friend to come chill with them. Ouch. Sounds like she needed a buffer, or like she didn't know it was a date. If she needed a buffer, then there's really nothing you can do about that, except be less creepy, I guess. But if she didn't know it was a date, then shame on you. I always use the word "date" when I ask a girl out on a date. There isn't any confusion that way. I've heard a lot of girls say they weren't sure if they were on a date the night before. That's when I'm like, "What?" How could they not know? I guess the guy says, "Hey, want to go to the football game?" and then it's just the two of them at the game, he's paid, and she's wondering if he thinks they're on a date or not.

Anyway, this whole pairing off paragraph has turned into a tangent, but it goes like this: A date is between a couple. That's what it's all about.

Paid For: Oh man, this is the one that starts the fights. I can hear them now: The guy should always pay! No, they should always split the check, unless they're boyfriend and girlfriend!

It's easy: Whoever asks, pays. I've been out with girls before that felt bad that they didn't help with the check. Pish-posh, I say. I knew what I was getting into when I asked you out to dinner. If I don't have a ton of cash, I'll keep that in mind when planning the date. That in mind, I knew a girl who asked out a bunch of guys, and then expected them to pay. If someone asks me out, I just feel like it's on them now. If I didn't ask you out, then I don't want to be financially responsible for you. Sound mean? She thought so. It just makes sense to me.

Planned: Ever been on a date where the asker picks you up and says, "So, what do you want to do?" LAME. Have something in mind. In fact, have two somethings. I asked a girl out once and she said yes. I then asked if she wanted to play Putt-Putt golf, and she said, "Uh, I think that's kind of a cop-out date". BAM. Yes, that just happened. Good thing I had thought of something else. I then asked if she wanted to go on a picnic and throw a frisbee in the park, and she said she'd love to. You don't have to think quickly if you've already thought it through. (Oh, and by the way, Putt-Putt golf is not a cop-out date, it's freakin' awesome and I love it).

Anyway, plan it out so you don't just end up awkwardly trying to figure out how you're going to spend the next few hours. Here's some ideas to get you started:

1) The Book Store Date- This can be done in so many ways. No matter how you try it, you're definitely going to get to know your date better. What do they like to read? Do they like to read at all? Such a fun date.
2) Now that I've started this list, I'm going to stop and save it for another blog post, since it'll probably be just as long as a regular post.

Get out there and date. That is all.


What do you think? Let me know in the comments section.

Back in a bit...

I'm going to Siwa to safari in the desert for a bit, so I'll miss the regular Friday updates. I'll be back next Friday.

In the meantime, tell me in the comments section your reaction to the articles.

A Sound Body

Jerry Seinfeld once remarked that if we followed the old Greek ideals of a sound mind in a sound body, we'd only ever go to the library or the gym. For us, I add a sound spirit with a sound mind in a sound body, and we should also go to Church. Lots of what challenges us today is intellectual and spiritual, but I focus on the physical as well because I feel that it lends itself to the intellectual and the spiritual.

Recently in the Cairo Branch I heard our senior missionary couple speak. The Elder said that he goes with his wife to the gym six times a week. Sound like overkill? He said, "It's hard to be spiritually fit when you're not physically fit." I don't know about you, but I really identify with that. Six gym sessions a week isn't necessary for all of us, but there's something we can be doing to exercise our bodies and invigorate our minds.

My friend served in Salt Lake City on his mission and ran into Elder Faust on the street. Elder Faust was on his morning walk.

We know that the Prophet Joseph wrestled, played baseball, and could lift anyone in a stick-wrestling match.

What does this have to do with being a Young Single Adult? Well, lots. Besides helping us face our spiritual and intellectual challenges, being physically fit is just plain attractive.

You look as good as you feel. And you when you feel good, you look good. It's cyclical.

For instance, after a workout you feel a sense of accomplishment. When you reach a workout goal, you have the confidence of knowing that you can do hard things. You walk differently, you interact differently. You're pumped. It's a good feeling, and it is attractive.

Many people feel jaded after a bit, especially when they read things like this and think that it's pretty shallow. Focusing on the physical aspect is pretty shallow if it's for the wrong reasons. But there are right reasons to focus on the physical. We need to follow the examples of the prophets and be healthy, as healthy as we can be. Heavenly Father has given us beautiful bodies and tells us that they are temples, and we need to take care of them. A nice side effect is that we are more attractive as we do this. The Gospel invigorates us and rejuvenates us. Let's use those blessings, and take care of our bodies.


What do you think? Tell us in the comments what you do to stay physically fit, and how it helps you face your challenges.

For a more secular reason to join the gym

Non-Members

I received a letter from a friend who was frustrated about having feelings for a non-member. I wrote her this in response, edited for content:

"I totally hear you. Waiting around for that right person who happens to be a member of the Church, while there are so many awesome people that haven't found the gospel yet, is one of the hardest things in the world. Marrying the right person in the right place at the right time is the goal, but man, Heavenly Father sure didn't make it easy, did He? I guess if He had, it wouldn't be worth it, but that's not a lot of consolation right now. Only after the trial of our faith comes the blessing, right? But can't we be blessed with other blessings in the middle of the trial, like patience or something?

Of course these are the rants of a frustrated person, because Heavenly Father does bless us continually, especially with things for which we don't even know to ask. I just listened to Elder Whitney's most recent conference address and it's called That Your Burdens May Be Light. He mentioned how the Lord eased the burdens of the Nephites in captivity, and how He told them, "that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

I guess sometimes we don't feel it though, because of all the pain and desire that we focus on when times are like these. It's just hard. It just is.

But, it's nice to know that God is still lifting us up, even when we feel lower than ever. I suppose it's more of an intellectual knowledge that we're being lifted than a feeling, since we certainly don't feel it. But He's there, and He'll make it happen for us, one way or another. We just got to keep on keepin' on."

That's the letter that I wrote to her. I heard quoted in an Institute class that one in seven people convert to the Gospel of Christ after they marry a member of the Church. You'd have a better shot at rolling a die and guessing which number it would land on than you would marrying a non-member and having them convert. That's the scariest thing in the world. However, I've known many people that have dated non-members and then married those people in the Temple after their baptisms.

It goes to show that as with most things, the rule is to follow the Spirit. Marrying the right person at the right time in the right place is Heavenly Father's will for us. We just have to find out the specifics of His will for each of us.


What do you think? Leave a comment below about what teachings of the Church support your opinion.